5769, thoughts on the year ahead

Yom Kippur is recently over and I have been thinking a bit about what happened in the year that just passed and what I would like to change in myself in the year to come.

It was exciting to have Toni move out to California.  Having my partner local certainly made building our life here a lot easier.  There were and are adjustments we are still making with each other — habits we built in the time apart and habits we are realizing we each have that we have to both work on.

The most important item I recognize from my behavior last year that I want to change is that I withdrew from social networks and friends and I need to re-engage and reconnect or I will lose those relationships.  I also need to start getting out and building networks here in the Bay Area.  Toni and I are very comfortable with each other and happy spending our days together, but I think we need to build connections with others as well.  It doesn’t seem healthy to live so much in our house.  I recently signed up for a Facebook account, and there is a jolt of energy in getting connected with people and being able to quickly peek and see what they are doing.

But, in the year that passed it was easy to spend time with Toni, and comfortable as well.  And, in retrospect, I probaby needed that comfort.

Work was pretty brutal.  There were the stresses of the merger, working for a large company that did not do a good job of communicating and managing change. I felt a large responsibility was dumped on the shoulders of my department that was not ours to handle.   At the time, I never said this outside the very small circle of my boss and close colleague.  Given that, we took it on, and I think we did it well. But, that takes a toll.  Being in the front line in the field working with people who are in the dark and anxious about their future is not particularly fun.  In the end I learned a lot and grew in my abilities.

Another hard part of the job was the constant travel.  I was on the road most of the time between January and May.  When I was home it was often home for just a day or so.  I love travel, but this got old quick.  I think in part because I was in a different place almost every day of the week.  Traveling to one spot and staying put can make a big difference!  You can settle into a routine of sorts.

But, to be honest, a lot of this was cover and focus from the reality in the family that I was desperate to not have to confront.  Kate was losing her struggles with cancer and the few breaks in the training schedule were spent on trips East to say farewell.  I’ve done this once before, and it was hard then, and it certainly didn’t get any easier having to say goodbye to a family member.  It hurts to type this even now.

But, for all that, I think I let myself get caught up in the flurry of work to avoid the having to face what was going on, and it is true that if I’d been in better contact with friends I would have to have spoken more about what was going on with Kate.  Being out of touch helped me avoid that bitter truth.

This post is growing longer than I thought it might, so I’ll wrap it up.  I’m resolved to try and maintain connections with friends in the year ahead and grow into my new job and work through the natural grieving process that comes when you face a loss.

May it be a good year!